All
commissions from purchases
through affiliate programs associated with this site (other than
AMAZON.COM) are donated
to charity. PROTEIN POWER
SUPPORT
YOUR FAQ.
(10/22/00)
 This Low-Carb Diet Ring site is owned by: grossweb.com  Prev | Prev 5 Next Site | Next 5 Random | Listing Join |
California
Workers Compensation
- Save Thousands! -
California Workers Compensation Insurance
|
Los Angeles Alzheimer's Care at Garden of Palms Assisted Living and Retirement Home |
|
Los Angeles Accountant and CPA Business Consulting Services |
Life Insurance
Moving Boxes
Refinance
Last Edited:
08/14/06
© 1998-2006
Disclaimer: The material on this website is informational purposes only and should not be construed as medical advice. Do not use the information as a substitute for medical care or treatment by a licensed health care professional. This web site is not intended to provide or confirm a diagnosis nor is any claim made as to therapeutic efficacy. No claims here have been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. These products are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.
alt.support.diet.low-carb
USENET's low-carbohydrate diet newsgroup
Low-Carb Humor
Please post any questions or comments regarding this page to alt.support.diet.low-carb
- Comics
- Twelve Days of Low Carb Christmas
- The alt.support.diet.low-carb Drinking Game
- How Many Low-Carbers Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?
- Songbook
- Palindrome
- Ode to Dr. Atkins
- Revenge on people who refuse to read the FAQ.
- The Litany Against Carbs
- The Order of Atkins
- Low-Carb Psalm
- Taglines & One-Liners
- Top 10 Signs of Ketosis (when you don't have Ketostix)
- Monty Python's Flying Low-Carb Skits
- Argument Clinic
- "Carbs Carbs Carbs" - How to identify if your cow has mad cow disease
- Carrot Juice is Murder (lyrics to actual song by the Arrogant Worms.
- Top Ten Posts That Will Provoke a Negative Response in ASDLC
- Poem
7/30/99
4/7/99
Comics | Twelve Days of Low Carb Christmas | The alt.support.diet.low-carb Drinking Game | How Many Low-Carbers Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb? | Songbook | Palindrome | Ode to Dr. Atkins | The Litany Against Carbs | The Order of Atkins | Low-Carb Psalm | Taglines & One-Liners | Top 10 Signs You're in Ketosis | Monty Python's Flying Low-Carb Skits | Mad Cow Disease | Carrot Juice is Murder | Top Ten Posts That Will Provoke a Negative Response in ASDLC | Poem
Twelve Days of Low Carb Christmas
- On the First day of Christmas my
true love gave to me,
A visit from the Whoosh Fairy. - On the Second day of Christmas my
true love gave to me,
Two scoops of fauxtatoes, and a visit from the Whoosh
Fairy... - On the Third day of Christmas my
true love gave to me,
Three bunless burgers, two scoops of fauxtatoes, and
a visit from the Whoosh Fairy... - On the Fourth day of Christmas my
true love gave to me,
Four bars of Lynne's Chocolate, three bunless burgers,
two scoops of fauxtatoes, and a visit from the Whoosh
Fairy. - On the Fifth day of Christmas my
true love gave to me,
FIVE BRAND NEW BELTS!
Four bars of Lynne's Chocolate, three bunless burgers,
two scoops of fauxtatoes, and a visit from the Whoosh
Fairy. - On the Sixth day of Christmas my
true love gave to me,
Six pounds of chicken. (sorry, I couldn't make the photo bit scan)
FIVE BRAND NEW BELTS!
Four bars of Lynne's Chocolate, three bunless burgers,
two scoops of fauxtatoes, and a visit from the Whoosh
Fairy. - On the seventh day of Christmas my
true love gave to me
Seven bags of pork rinds (gribines for Aaron),
Six pounds of chicken.
FIVE BRAND NEW BELTS!
Four bars of Lynne's Chocolate, three bunless burgers,
two scoops of fauxtatoes, and a visit from the Whoosh
Fairy. - On the eighth day of Christmas my
true love gave to me
Eight bars from Atkins, Seven bags of pork rinds (gribines
for Aaron), Six pounds of chicken.
FIVE BRAND NEW BELTS!
Four bars of Lynne's Chocolate, three bunless burgers,
two scoops of fauxtatoes, and a visit from the Whoosh
Fairy. - On the ninth day of Christmas my
true love gave to me
Nine quarts cream (heavy), Eight bars from Atkins, Seven
bags of pork rinds (gribines for Aaron), Six pounds
of chicken.
FIVE BRAND NEW BELTS!
Four bars of Lynne's Chocolate, three bunless burgers,
two scoops of fauxtatoes, and a visit from the Whoosh
Fairy. - On the tenth day of Christmas my
true love gave to me
Ten cases WASA, Nine quarts cream (heavy), Eight bars from
Atkins, Seven bags of pork rinds (gribines for Aaron),
Six pounds of chicken.
FIVE BRAND NEW BELTS!
Four bars of Lynne's Chocolate, three bunless burgers,
two scoops of fauxtatoes, and a visit from the Whoosh
Fairy. - On the Eleventh day of Christmas
my true love gave to me,
Eleven packs of BronkAid, Ten cases WASA,
Nine quarts cream (heavy), Eight bars from Atkins, Seven
bags of pork rinds (gribines for Aaron), Six pounds
of chicken.
FIVE BRAND NEW BELTS!
Four bars of Lynne's Chocolate, three bunless burgers,
two scoops of fauxtatoes, and a visit from the Whoosh
Fairy. - On the Twelfth day of Christmas my
true love gave to me,
Twelve slabs of prime rib, Eleven packs of BronkAid,
Ten cases WASA, Nine quarts cream (heavy), Eight bars from
Atkins, Seven bags of pork rinds (gribines for Aaron),
Six pounds of chicken.
FIVE BRAND NEW BELTS!
Four bars of Lynne's Chocolate, three bunless burgers,
two scoops of fauxtatoes, and a visit from the Whoosh
Fairy.
Comics | Twelve Days of Low Carb Christmas | The alt.support.diet.low-carb Drinking Game | How Many Low-Carbers Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb? | Songbook | Palindrome | Ode to Dr. Atkins | The Litany Against Carbs | The Order of Atkins | Low-Carb Psalm | Taglines & One-Liners | Top 10 Signs You're in Ketosis | Monty Python's Flying Low-Carb Skits | Mad Cow Disease | Carrot Juice is Murder | Top Ten Posts That Will Provoke a Negative Response in ASDLC | Poem
The alt.support.diet.low-carb Drinking Game
- Every time Rosie posts, take a drink. (water, of course)
- Every time Nadine posts a great recipe, take a drink.
- Every time a newbie is referred to the FAQ, take a drink.
- Every time someone says Whoosh, take a drink.
- Every time someone mentions a Wasa, take a drink.
- Every time K in Cali does a happy dance, take a drink.
- Every time someone asks if this damages your kidneys, take a drink.
- Every time someone mentions poop, take a drink.
- Every time someone is told to lay off the cheese and cream to break a stall, take a drink.
- Every time someone complains about a stall of less than a month, take a drink.
- Every time someone congratulates another asdlc member on a weight loss, take a drink.
- Every time someone complains about light pink ketostyx take a drink.
- Every time Aaron requests a kosher substitute for pork rinds in a recipe, take a drink.
- Every time you think about Tim's T-Back Tour take a drink
- Every time you defend Dr A in public take a drink
- Every time your SO asks "are you on that NG Again?" take a drink
- Every time someone tries to start LC without reading a book take a drink.
- Every time someone leaves LC cause it doesn't work take a drink.
- Every time they come back take a drink.
Comics | Twelve Days of Low Carb Christmas | The alt.support.diet.low-carb Drinking Game | How Many Low-Carbers Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb? | Songbook | Palindrome | Ode to Dr. Atkins | The Litany Against Carbs | The Order of Atkins | Low-Carb Psalm | Taglines & One-Liners | Top 10 Signs You're in Ketosis | Monty Python's Flying Low-Carb Skits | Mad Cow Disease | Carrot Juice is Murder | Top Ten Posts That Will Provoke a Negative Response in ASDLC | Poem
How many low carbers does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: 1,331
- 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the list that the light bulb has been changed
- 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
- 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
- 27 to remind everyone to drink plenty of water before and after changing light bulbs
- 53 to comment that their light bulbs ususlly turn to deep purple
- 156 to complain that their light bulbs only change to pink, if they change at all, and they wonder what they are doing wrong because the light bulbs do not change to purple
- 41 to tell everyone that it doesn't matter what color the light bulbs are as long as you're losing weight
- 109 to post recipes that use light bulbs in a new and creative way
- 33 to ask how many carbs are in light bulbs
- 47 to ask what Dr. Atkins and the Eades say about light bulbs
- 12 to post that they think that Sugarbusters deals with light bulbs better than DANDR, PP or CAD
- 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior,where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and which brands are faulty.
- 19 to threaten to smash the light bulb over their scale from frustration over not losing weight
- 111 to say they love the WOL but what they really miss is light bulbs
- 4 to say that they are new to the WOE and what do light bulbs have to do with low carbing
- 14 to post that the newbies should read the FAQ at http://www.grossweb.com/asdlc/faq.htm#lightbulb
- 3 to ask what the numbers mean between the slashes on light bulbs: 50/100/150
- 27 to say that they are happy we finally brought up the light bulb issue, because they thought they were the only ones who changed light bulbs
- 203 to put a link on their web pages where one can see examples of different light bulbs
- 143 agree that this ng is the best when it comes to light bulbs, but can't convince DH, DW, SO or other family member that this is so 1 newbie to say they have been reading the posts for a couple of weeks, but wonders if we can tell her/him about light bulbs
Comics | Twelve Days of Low Carb Christmas | The alt.support.diet.low-carb Drinking Game | How Many Low-Carbers Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb? | Songbook | Palindrome | Ode to Dr. Atkins | The Litany Against Carbs | The Order of Atkins | Low-Carb Psalm | Taglines & One-Liners | Top 10 Signs You're in Ketosis | Monty Python's Flying Low-Carb Skits | Mad Cow Disease | Carrot Juice is Murder | Top Ten Posts That Will Provoke a Negative Response in ASDLC | Poem
[To the tune of "Row Row Row Your Boat]
Read, read, read the book,
read the book again,
and if at first you don't succeed,
try it once again.Eat, Eat, Eat some meat.
each and every day,
Lots of Water, Veggies too,
Live the Atkins Way!Count, count, count your carbs,
each and every one!
If you do, you'll surely see
your pounds are on the run![Whoever scribed this ditty, please step forward and we'll give you all the credit.]
[To the tune of
"Camp Town Races"]
by Arlene
Just six days is not a stall, do-da, do-da
Just six days is not a stall, oh, de-do-da-day,A stall is for 6 weeeeeeks!
Not for just 6 daaaaaays!Gon-na say it till you say it too-
"A Stall Is NOT 6 Daaaaaaays!
(With apologies to Bob Seger.
To be sung while dancing the happy dance in your underwear, a la Risky
Business)
Just clear that macaroni off the shelf
I won't be puttin that stuff in myself
The food pyramid made me gain weight
So put that low carb on my plateDon't try to feed me no starchy snack
Don't need no sugar monkey on my back
I'm having steak and salad, I can't wait
Just put that low carb on my plateStill like that low carb eating style
I'm gonna stick with this one quite a while
This way of eating really makes me feel great
So put that low carb on my plate
jamie
Prayer to the Whoosh Fairy
Now I lay me down to sleep
A cup of Splenda at my feet!
I'll be good and drink my water--
Leave the grape juice for my daughter.I promise to eat all my eggs,
So take these bulges from my legs!
I'll eat my pork--I'll eat a steer--
Just smooth these bumps off of my rear!I'll never even look at jelly,
Pease take the blub out of my belly.
These lips will never taste a sweet,
(Oh if I could only see my feet!)So, please, tonight before I wake,
A few more pounds--Whoosh Fairy--take! --
Ms. Chris G
(written while stalled at 178)
We Will, We Will, Whoosh Soon!
by Lady Spida
"Baby you're low-carb make a big change
Eatin' all those meats gonna' be a lot smaller some day
You got mayo on yo' face
Measuring tape around your waist
Shake your shrinkin' butt all over the place
Singin'
We will, we will whoosh soon!
We will, we will whoosh soon!
Baby you're an Atkid, smart kid
Shoutin' to the butcher, "Hey give me your biggest steak!"
You got cream cheese on yo' face
Yer taking up less space
Keep your Atkins bible in a cool dry place.
We will, we will whoosh soon!
Singin'
We will, we will whoosh soon!
Baby eat your eggs without toast
Drink in all your water, no you won't float away
Butter dripping down yo' face
The scale sticking in one place
Don't worry it will move at it's own damn pace!
We will, we will whoosh soon!
Singin'
We will, we will whoosh soon!
Everybody!!
We will, we will whoosh soon!
We will, we will whoosh soon!
Alright!
Low Carb Way
(Aaron Gross adaptation from John Lennon, Paul McCartney)
Low carb way--bread and pasta seem so far away
Now it looks as though meat's here to stay
Oh, I believe in low carbs way.
Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be
A low-fat cynic's hanging over me.
Oh, low carb loss came suddenly
My pants had to go because I know they wouldn't stay [up]
I ate something wrong, now I start a new induction day
Low carb way--for me there is just no other way
Now I need some meat to start my day
Oh, I believe in low carbs, yay.
My pants had to go because I know they wouldn't stay [up]
I ate something wrong, now I start a new induction day
Low carb way--for me there is just no other way
Now I need some meat to start my day
Oh, I believe in low carbs, yay.
Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm
Please Drink More Water
Lyrics adapted by Aaron Gross
from Deep Purple's "Smoke on the Water"
We all post on asdlc
On the USENET newgroup
To help others with their diet
We all had poundage to lose
Dr. Atkins and the Hellers
The Eades and Netzer's books, adored
Another newbie with the same question
Asked so many times before
Please drink more water, read the FAQ again
heavy bass beat:
Dum dum DUM
Dum dum de DUM
Dum dum DUM
DUM dum.
We flamed the spamming low-fat ad,
Told the spammer's ISP.
Stupid spammer doesn't realize
We got this way by "fat-free".
Comics | Twelve Days of Low Carb Christmas | The alt.support.diet.low-carb Drinking Game | How Many Low-Carbers Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb? | Songbook | Palindrome | Ode to Dr. Atkins | The Litany Against Carbs | The Order of Atkins | Low-Carb Psalm | Taglines & One-Liners | Top 10 Signs You're in Ketosis | Monty Python's Flying Low-Carb Skits | Mad Cow Disease | Carrot Juice is Murder | Top Ten Posts That Will Provoke a Negative Response in ASDLC | Poem
If you really want a palindromic, low carb saying:
"Doc, note, I dissent. A fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod."
Comics | Twelve Days of Low Carb Christmas | The alt.support.diet.low-carb Drinking Game | How Many Low-Carbers Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb? | Songbook | Palindrome | Ode to Dr. Atkins | The Litany Against Carbs | The Order of Atkins | Low-Carb Psalm | Taglines & One-Liners | Top 10 Signs You're in Ketosis | Monty Python's Flying Low-Carb Skits | Mad Cow Disease | Carrot Juice is Murder | Top Ten Posts That Will Provoke a Negative Response in ASDLC | Poem
ODE TO DR. ATKINS
I've developed halitosis
My urine is rank and yellow
Yet I'm a happy fellow
In the midst of Ketosis
Salmon and steaks,
Deviled eggs and cheese
Make no mistake:
Atkins is a breeze
The pounds drop away
A few each energetic day
Will it be the Boston Marathon
Or the New York ballet?
Food is a joy, not a sin
And I'm down to one chin
I feel eighteen again
No pain, yet I don't gain
Thanks Dr. Atkins for protein,
And making me lean
Once a major carb freak,
Now I'm getting sleek
I ate candy and drank sugar pop
But you made me stop
All those other diets are a crock
And I'm in your debt, Doc
I know this is bad verse
But I feel like Mr. Universe
And I had to tell somebody
About my new body.
Comics | Twelve Days of Low Carb Christmas | The alt.support.diet.low-carb Drinking Game | How Many Low-Carbers Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb? | Songbook | Palindrome | Ode to Dr. Atkins | The Litany Against Carbs | The Order of Atkins | Low-Carb Psalm | Taglines & One-Liners | Top 10 Signs You're in Ketosis | Monty Python's Flying Low-Carb Skits | Mad Cow Disease | Carrot Juice is Murder | Top Ten Posts That Will Provoke a Negative Response in ASDLC | Poem
The Litany Against
Carbs
(Adapted from Frank Herbert's Dune by
Aaron Gross)
"I must not carb. Carbs are the diet-killer. Carbs are the little-binge that bring total obliteration. I will face my carbs. I will permit them to pass over me and around me but not into me. And when the carbs have gone past I will re-read the low-carb FAQ to see their path. Where the carbs have gone there will now be only delicious juicy meat. Only I and my newly baggy clothing will remain."
Comics | Twelve Days of Low Carb Christmas | The alt.support.diet.low-carb Drinking Game | How Many Low-Carbers Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb? | Songbook | Palindrome | Ode to Dr. Atkins | The Litany Against Carbs | The Order of Atkins | Low-Carb Psalm | Taglines & One-Liners | Top 10 Signs You're in Ketosis | Monty Python's Flying Low-Carb Skits | Mad Cow Disease | Carrot Juice is Murder | Top Ten Posts That Will Provoke a Negative Response in ASDLC | Poem
The Order of Atkins
Just select a title and handle for yourself and join us.
Remember...
We drink the blood of strawberries
We paint our faces with cream chesse
We baptise ourselves in Sugar Free Tang
We take communion with WASA crackers
We light bondfires and roast animals!
WE EAT THE FLESH OF DEAD ANIMALS!
We pee on stix...and turn them purple
We chant...ketosis...ketosis...ketosis....
We keep an egg in our pants....we anamannnnnnnnnnnnnicacs--
-oops wrong song....we're
ATKINS....MANIACS!
May the Whoosh Be With You...
- Mikey-Won-Masarsky, Grand Wizard
- Aaron Gross, Kwisatz Haderech and FAQ Master
- Jen, Grand Sorceress to the Kingdom of Low-Carbia
- Kevin Martin, Sir Loin of Beef, defender of the Grill
- Lady Spida, The Mystical Arachnid of Whooshavania
- alicat, High Priestess, Order of Atkins
- YOUR NAME HERE???
Comics | Twelve Days of Low Carb Christmas | The alt.support.diet.low-carb Drinking Game | How Many Low-Carbers Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb? | Songbook | Palindrome | Ode to Dr. Atkins | The Litany Against Carbs | The Order of Atkins | Low-Carb Psalm | Taglines & One-Liners | Top 10 Signs You're in Ketosis | Monty Python's Flying Low-Carb Skits | Mad Cow Disease | Carrot Juice is Murder | Top Ten Posts That Will Provoke a Negative Response in ASDLC | Poem
Low-Carb Psalm
Atkins is my shepherd, I shall not want carbs.
He maketh me lie down in red-meat pastures.
He leadeth me by Splenda-sweetened drinks.
He guideth me in protein paths in his name.
Yea, though I walk through the bread and cereal aisle,
I shall fear no insulin-spike-induced headaches, for the
Chocolate Coconut Advantage Bar is always at my side.
His ketostix, their purple tinge comforts me.
He spreadeth my table before me with tuna and mayo in
the sight of my bagels.
He annoints my head with olive oil. My cup of diet Dr.
Pepper overflows.
Only too-big clothes and shed pounds follow me all the days
of my life.
And I shall dwell in the house of the 48oz steak for years
to come.
Comics | Twelve Days of Low Carb Christmas | The alt.support.diet.low-carb Drinking Game | How Many Low-Carbers Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb? | Songbook | Palindrome | Ode to Dr. Atkins | The Litany Against Carbs | The Order of Atkins | Low-Carb Psalm | Taglines & One-Liners | Top 10 Signs You're in Ketosis | Monty Python's Flying Low-Carb Skits | Mad Cow Disease | Carrot Juice is Murder | Top Ten Posts That Will Provoke a Negative Response in ASDLC | Poem
Best Taglines &
One-Liners
(If you wrote it, tell me and I'll credit you.)
- "That was MY steak, Liberty...."
--John Wayne in "The man Who Shot Liberty Vallance" - I'm a member of PETA. "People Eating Tasty Animals"
- I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat... RABBIT
FOOD!!! - I eat everything that gets in my way.
- If God had not intended for us to eat animals, he wouldn't have
made them out of meat.
Comics | Twelve Days of Low Carb Christmas | The alt.support.diet.low-carb Drinking Game | How Many Low-Carbers Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb? | Songbook | Palindrome | Ode to Dr. Atkins | The Litany Against Carbs | The Order of Atkins | Low-Carb Psalm | Taglines & One-Liners | Top 10 Signs You're in Ketosis | Monty Python's Flying Low-Carb Skits | Mad Cow Disease | Carrot Juice is Murder | Top Ten Posts That Will Provoke a Negative Response in ASDLC | Poem
Top 10 signs you're in Ketosis when you don't have Ketostix:
10) Your dog's breath smells better than yours...
9) Your significant other tells you they have decided to try celibacy for awhile...
8) The Avon lady prefers to talk to you through the door...
7) Your dentist wears an oxygen tank when working on your teeth...
6) Small children ask if you've been eating match-box cars...
5) Your friends will no longer go into public restrooms with you...
4) You greet a friend at the front door and he asks if you've been cooking lutefisk...
3) You come home to find people have anonymously left bottles of Scope on your doorstep...
2) You find your roto-rooter man passed out on the lawn...
1) Blowing out the candles on your birthday cake causes a fireball
explosion...
~Laurie, who has been trying so hard to be in "serious mode" on this ng...
Comics | Twelve Days of Low Carb Christmas | The alt.support.diet.low-carb Drinking Game | How Many Low-Carbers Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb? | Songbook | Palindrome | Ode to Dr. Atkins | The Litany Against Carbs | The Order of Atkins | Low-Carb Psalm | Taglines & One-Liners | Top 10 Signs You're in Ketosis | Monty Python's Flying Low-Carb Skits | Mad Cow Disease | Carrot Juice is Murder | Top Ten Posts That Will Provoke a Negative Response in ASDLC | Poem
Monty Python's Flying Low-Carb Skits
Argument Clinic
Adaptation from Monty Python by Aaron:
A newbie walks into a newsgroup..
Newbie: Good morning, I'd like to know more about low-carb, please.
Debra: Certainly, sir. Have you read the FAQ? [with 200 line
attachment]
Newbie: No, this is my first time.
Debra: see, well read the FAQ and come back when you're done. [with
200 line attachment]
Newbie: Thank you.
Cross-posted to alt.support.diet, same day:
alt.support.diet man: WHADDAYOU WANT?
Newbie: Well, Well, I was told outside that...
alt.support.diet man: DON'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF
PARROT DROPPINGS!
Newbie: What?
alt.support.diet man:SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT! YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE!
YOU VACUOUS STUFFY-NOSED MALODOROUS PERVERT!!!
Newbie: Yes, but I came here for low carb diet support!!
alt.support.diet man:OH! Oh! I'm sorry! This is
alt.support.diet!
Newbie: Oh! Oh I see!
alt.support.diet man:Aha! No, you want
alt.support.diet.low-carb.
Newbie: Oh...Sorry...
alt.support.diet man: Not at all!
alt.support.diet man:(under his breath) stupid git.
The newbie goes back to asdl-c.
Newbie: How long is induction?
Debra: (pause) I've told you once. [with 200 line attachment]
Newbie: No you haven't!
Debra: Yes I have. [with 200 line attachment]
Newbie: When?
Debra: Just now. [with 200 line attachment]
Newbie: No you didn't!
Debra: Yes I did! [with 200 line attachment]
Newbie: You didn't!
Debra: I did! [with 200 line attachment]
Newbie: You didn't!
Debra: I'm telling you, I did! [with 200 line attachment]
Newbie: You didn't!
Lee Rodgers: &!#%!@^%#@ newbie! "Mundus vult decipi"
Aaron: It's in the FAQ, jack.
Rosie Read & Post breaks in [imagine a feminine Stuart Smalley]:
Induction is only the first two weeks of the Atkins program. Now look
in the mirror and say "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone
it, people LIKE me."
Newbie: Thanks, Rosie.
etc.
Full original text of Monty Python's Argument Clinic can be found at:
http://private.homepages.intershop.de/~wolf/python/c_29.argument.html
Carbs Carbs Carbs
Adaptation from Monty Python's "Spam" by Aaron:
How about this? Does this sound like going out to eat with a non-lowcarber?
Man: Morning.
Waitress: Morning.
M: Well, what you got?
W: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg, sausage and bacon; egg and
carbs; egg, bacon and carbs egg, bacon, sausage and carbs; carbs, bacon, sausage and
carbs; carbs, egg, carbs, carbs, bacon and carbs; carbs, sausage,
carbs, carbs, carbs, bacon, carbs, tomato and carbs; carbs, carbs,
carbs, egg and carbs; (hyperventilating nutritionists start singing in background)
carbs, carbs, carbs, carbs, carbs, carbs, baked beans, carbs, carbs, carbs and
carbs.
Nutritionists: Carbs, carbs, carbs, carbs, lovely carbs, lovely
carbs,
W (cont): or lobster thermador ecrovets with a bournaise sause, served in the purple salm manor with chalots and
overshies, garnashed with truffle pate, brandy, a fried egg on top and
carbs.
Wife: Have you got anything without carbs?
Waitress: Well, there's carbs, egg, sausage and carbs. That's not got much carbs in it.
Wi: I don't want any carbs!
M: Why can't she have egg, bacon, carbs and sausage?
Wi: That's got carbs in it.
M: It hasn't got as much carbs in it as carbs, egg, sausage and carbs has it?
Wi: (over nutritionists starting again) Could you do me egg, bacon, carbs and sausage without the carbs then?
Wa: Ech!
Wi: What do you mean ech! I don't like carbs!
N: Lovely carbs, wonderful carbs ....etc
Wa:Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Bloody nutritionists! You can't have egg, bacon carbs and sausage without the
carbs.
Wi: I don't like carbs!
M: Sh dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your carbs. I love it. I'm having
carbs, carbs, carbs, carbs, carbs, carbs, carbs, baked beans, carbs,
carbs, carbs and carbs. (starts nutritionists off again)
N: Lovely carbs, wonderful carbs ...etc
Wa: Shut up! Baked beans are off.
M: Well, can I have her carbs instead of the baked beans?
Wa:You mean carbs, carbs, carbs, carbs, carbs, carbs, carbs,
carbs, carbs, carbs, and carbs?
N: Lovely carbs, wonderful carbs...etc...carbs, carbs, carbs! (in hyperventilating harmony)
Comics | Twelve Days of Low Carb Christmas | The alt.support.diet.low-carb Drinking Game | How Many Low-Carbers Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb? | Songbook | Palindrome | Ode to Dr. Atkins | The Litany Against Carbs | The Order of Atkins | Low-Carb Psalm | Taglines & One-Liners | Top 10 Signs You're in Ketosis | Monty Python's Flying Low-Carb Skits | Mad Cow Disease | Carrot Juice is Murder | Top Ten Posts That Will Provoke a Negative Response in ASDLC | Poem
How to identify if your cow has mad cow disease
http://mats.gmd.de/~steffi/madcow/madcow.htm
Comics | Twelve Days of Low Carb Christmas | The alt.support.diet.low-carb Drinking Game | How Many Low-Carbers Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb? | Songbook | Palindrome | Ode to Dr. Atkins | The Litany Against Carbs | The Order of Atkins | Low-Carb Psalm | Taglines & One-Liners | Top 10 Signs You're in Ketosis | Monty Python's Flying Low-Carb Skits | Mad Cow Disease | Carrot Juice is Murder | Top Ten Posts That Will Provoke a Negative Response in ASDLC | Poem
Carrot Juice Is Murder
by The Arrogant Worms
available on:
Russell's Shorts CD (Arrogant Worms AW-555)
Dr. Demento's Basement Tapes No. 4 (Demento Society)
Live Bait (Arrogant Worms) (live version)
Listen up brothers and sisters,
Come hear my desperate tale.
I speak of our friends of nature
Trapped in the dirt like a jail.
Vegetables live in oppression,
Served on our tables each night.
This killing of veggies is madness,
I say we take up the fight.
Salads are only for murderers,
Coleslaw's a fascist regime.
Don't think that they don't have feelings
Just 'cause a radish can't scream.
CHORUS:
I've heard the screams of the vegetables, (Scream, scream, scream)
Watching their skins being peeled. (Having their insides revealed)
Grated and steamed with no mercy. (Burning off calories)
How do you think that feels? (Bet it hurts really bad.)
Carrot juice constitutes murder, (And that's a real crime.)
Greenhouses prisons for slaves. (Let my vegetables go.)
It's time to stop all this gardening. (It's dirty as hell.)
Let's call a spade a spade. (...is a spade, is a spade, is a spade, is
a...)
I saw a man eating celery,
So I beat him black and blue.
If he ever touches a sprout again,
I'll bite him clean in two.
I'm a political prisoner,
Trapped in a windowless cage,
'Cause I stopped the slaughter of turnips
By killing five men in a rage.
I told the judge when he sentenced me,
"This is my finest hour!
I'd kill those farmers again
Just to save one more cauliflower."
CHORUS
How low as people do we dare to stoop?
Making young broccolis bleed in the soup!
Untie your beans, uncage your tomatoes,
Let potted plants free, don't mash that potato!
Wo, wo, wo...
[LIVE VERSION ONLY: No, spare the spud, eat a cow instead!]
I've heard the screams of the vegetables, (Scream, scream, scream)
Watching their skins being peeled. (Fates in the stir fry are sealed)
Grated and steamed with no mercy. (You fat gourmet scum)
How do you think that feels? (Leave them out in the fields.)
Carrot juice constitutes murder, (V-8's genocide.)
Greenhouses prisons for slaves. (Yes, your compost's a grave.)
It's time to stop all this gardening. (Take up macrame.)
Let's call a spade a spade. (...is a spade, is a spade, is a spade...)
Is a spade, is a spade, is a spade.
Comics | Twelve Days of Low Carb Christmas | The alt.support.diet.low-carb Drinking Game | How Many Low-Carbers Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb? | Songbook | Palindrome | Ode to Dr. Atkins | The Litany Against Carbs | The Order of Atkins | Low-Carb Psalm | Taglines & One-Liners | Top 10 Signs You're in Ketosis | Monty Python's Flying Low-Carb Skits | Mad Cow Disease | Carrot Juice is Murder | Top Ten Posts That Will Provoke a Negative Response in ASDLC | Poem
Top Ten Posts That Will Provoke a Negative Response in ASDLC
by Barbara Ashley
[DISCLAIMER: flame > /dev/null This is intended as humor. If you don't
see it that way, it's really not my problem. ;-) :-p ]
Number 10:
"I only lost 10 lbs in the first two weeks, and nothing for the past two
hours. I only have 20 to lose. This diet doesn't work for me."
<Slap>
Number 9:
"I am trying to stick to this diet but every day I get these cravings so
I eat box of powdered sugar. It makes the cravings go away for about 3
hours, but I don't seem to be loosing [sic]"
<Slap>
Number 8:
"I really don't understand low-carb diets - can someone explain it to
me? Please email as I don't read this group regularly because I am so
busy and my time is more important than yours - and please hurry. I
want to start tomorrow."
<Slap and a kick in the butt.>
Number 7:
"I started LC 3 weeks ago. I feel great, but have noticed some
interesting side effects - Mr. Happy shriveled up and fell off. Anyone
else notice this?"
<Slap and a kick in the butt.>
Number 6:
"I have no kidneys. Will an all protein diet work for me?"
<Slap, kick in the butt, and a poke in the eye>
Number 5:
"I have no brain. Will an all protein diet work for me?"
<Slap, kick in the butt, and a poke in the eye>
Number 4:
"Hi. I'm new here. I have heard that low-carb diets cause sucking gun
shot wounds to the chest. Can you please prove that it doesn't?"
(crossposted to talk.guns)
<Slap, kick in the butt, and a poke in the eye>
Number 3:
"I am thinking about going off low-carb and eating boxes of jello all
day, along with frozen pancakes covered in brown sugar. Do you think
this is a good idea? Please respond only if you think this is a good
idea."
<Slap, kick in the butt, a poke in the eye, and an
atomic wedgie>
Number 2:
"ive been on this diet for 6 weeks and consider myself an expert
however i have one question..... can you tell me how many carbs are in
lard" (in html and with huge binary attached as part of sig)
<Slap, kick in the butt, a poke in the eye, and an
atomic wedgie>
And finally, the Number One Post That Will Provoke a Negative Response
in ASDLC:
"I just ate a Cinnabon, accidentally. Is this bad? Am I going to gain
back all the weight I lost?"
<Slap, kick in the butt, a poke in the eye, and an
atomic wedgie, and a stick up the.... well,
never mind>
http://www.myna.com/~markd/seinfeld.html has the following listing for "Atomic Wedgie" as described on Seinfeld: The tortuous ritual of having the underwear you are wearing pulled over your head, as experienced by George in high school.
Comics | Twelve Days of Low Carb Christmas | The alt.support.diet.low-carb Drinking Game | How Many Low-Carbers Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb? | Songbook | Palindrome | Ode to Dr. Atkins | The Litany Against Carbs | The Order of Atkins | Low-Carb Psalm | Taglines & One-Liners | Top 10 Signs You're in Ketosis | Monty Python's Flying Low-Carb Skits | Mad Cow Disease | Carrot Juice is Murder | Top Ten Posts That Will Provoke a Negative Response in ASDLC | Poem
POEM by Julie Qrys (kris)
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my fat to take,
And leave behind a skinny shell,
And all my fat can go to hell!
Comics | Twelve Days of Low Carb Christmas | The alt.support.diet.low-carb Drinking Game | How Many Low-Carbers Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb? | Songbook | Palindrome | Ode to Dr. Atkins | The Litany Against Carbs | The Order of Atkins | Low-Carb Psalm | Taglines & One-Liners | Top 10 Signs You're in Ketosis | Monty Python's Flying Low-Carb Skits | Mad Cow Disease | Carrot Juice is Murder | Top Ten Posts That Will Provoke a Negative Response in ASDLC | Poem